Affirmations for Trans Women
As a trans woman, I can say this: we are tired. I need the help of friends and family. So does the trans woman in your life. But, how do you help?
Yes, we are worn out.
This is likely true for your friend who told you yesterday that they aren’t the man you thought they were. It’s likely true for your trans woman coworker who never talks about their personal life. It’s likely true for your amazing trans daughter who has grown into a strong, determined woman. The world wears us out.
We are exhausted.
We need your help.
How do you help?
Simple: remind us who we are.
Seriously, it’s that basic. The message that wears us down, more than any other message, is the one that says we are not really, truly women. It is the dysphoria we get when we look in the mirror and see a masculine feature, maybe one nobody else sees. It is the clerk in the store who, despite our cute outfit, greets us by saying, “Is there anything I can help you find, SIR?” It is the news reports about politicians’ tweets. It is the stare from the stranger at the bus stop. The message, in all these things, is, “you aren’t really a woman.”
Yes, that would be hard. How do I help?
It’s about affirming who we are.
I’ll give you some practical advice here — things that you can do that are tangible. Of course, adapt these to your relationship and the trans woman’s own situation. Some trans women might, for instance, publicly acknowledge their trans identity. Others might not want to focus on their trans identity. They may just want to be seen as the woman they are. Yet others might not be out as their true self to everyone around them, so you might need to use caution in what you say or do. Whatever the situation, realize that not all the following suggestions are good for every situation.
But onto the suggestions! This list isn’t intended to be a checklist you follow, checking off each item, but rather a menu where you might pick one or two that inspire you towards meaningful acts of affirmation.
Use her name and pronouns!
This is a really simple one. Use the name and pronouns that they want you to use. This may be situational if they are not out as a woman in every situation (for instance, in private, she might want to use she/her/hers as pronouns, but at work she might need to be seen as a guy and need you to use he/him/his). Whatever the specifics, defer to the trans person and use the pronouns and name they want you to use. Yes, it’s hard! But nothing will show support more than getting this right.
If you want to take this to the next level, correct other people when they get it wrong. It is soul crushing to get misgendered, but it is even more soul crushing when people who love you seem to ignore the misgendering.
Send her postal mail
Once we start using an affirming name, typically a feminine name, that name is beautiful and wonderful to hear and see. It reminds us who we are. So, if it is safe for the trans woman in your life to get mail in her feminine name, send her a card or note addressed to her. I still have the first envelope I received that had my name on it!
Congratulate her
During our transitions (which of course are different for each trans person), she might take a step that requires some courage or strength. Recognize this! For instance, when someone comes out as a woman, you might send her a “Congratulations, it’s a girl!” card (see above about postal mail). You might throw an elaborate ceremony if she legally changes her name. You might have a nice meal together after her first day of presenting as herself at work. Use your imagination and your knowledge of her comfort zone to recognize these difficult steps.
Give her something with her name on it
Did I mention we love seeing our name? If a coworker comes out as trans, one of the most affirming things is seeing the name plate or our name badge with our feminine name on it — it’s a sign of affirmation from our employer (obviously this should be done at the point when the employee wants their name used, and not before they are ready). If you’re a friend, a cute sign saying “Welcome to Jane’s Home!” or a pen with her name might be meaningful and remind her every time she sees it that people know who she is.
Display new pictures of her
Our past can be painful. Seeing old pictures, when we were unhappy with ourselves can be difficult, as can old stories that gender us strongly. One of the best ways to deal with this is to build new memories. For instance, a parent might replace the old pictures of their “son” with a new ones of their daughter, reflecting the person she is rather than the person she was not. Her heart will beat with joy if she visits home and sees her current self in a place of honor on the wall! Don’t have new pictures of her? It’s time to get some that reflect who she is. If you’re family, maybe it’s time for that proper family photo shoot!
Take her to women’s events
I rarely go to women’s events, for a couple reasons. First, some women see trans women as if we are dangerous impostors seeking illegitimate access to women’s space. I worry that I won’t really be welcome. Who wants to go where they aren’t welcome? Second, we might have a lifetime of being told we weren’t really women, so we might have a lot of anxiety. This anxiety might keep us from connecting with other women.
That’s where another woman can come in. She can help by simply coming with us, showing other women that, yes, this person is also a woman. And, if we’re nervous about going somewhere, having a trusted person with us can make it possible to, quite literally, open the door.
Shopping with her
Shopping is difficult for many trans women, particularly shopping for gendered items like clothing or makeup. The first time I went into the women’s clothing section of a department store was terrifying, even though I was with a friend who lent me some of her courage by going with me. We went in, I took a few steps into the clothes section, and then, almost immediately looked at her and told her we needed to go. NOW! But it was progress, even if I didn’t buy anything! I’m also very thankful for her help.
If you feel your friend might be particularly scared, take her on a shopping trip where you shop for yourself. Ask her to come with you to give you her opinion on some clothes! This can take the pressure off of her. She doesn’t need to try to figure out what works for her body. If she looks comfortable while you are there, maybe suggest an item of clothing for her to try, too, just for fun, but keep it fun by avoiding too much pressure.
Nails!
While no woman should be confined to stereotypical femininity, no woman should be excluded from it either. If you are a woman (or a particularly enlightened person of another gender), help her get her nails painted (assuming she’s at a place in transition when that’s okay for her), whether that is painting them for her or taking her to a nail salon for the two of you to have your nails done together. Don’t want your nails done? Maybe go and get your eyebrows waxed together. Basically, doing any of the stereotypical beauty stuff she may be scared to try on her own is a good option. But go with her, and don’t just give her a gift certificate. The presence of someone trusted will help a lot. It will also build a wonderful memory.
Transition Help
If she’s medically transitioning, you might offer to help her with practical assistance during this part of her transition. Typically, the help that would be appreciated might be things like a ride to and a doctor’s office or hospital (particularly if she doesn’t drive). If she has a major procedure done (for instance, any surgery), she might appreciate someone to make a shopping run for her or to bring her a little bit of comfort food the week or two after she gets back home but is still not feeling well enough to go out.
Give her space to express who she is
If someone I know tells me that the world got their gender wrong, that they are different than how I perceived them, I let them know I’ll switch name and pronouns whenever they want me to, and that I’d love them to feel free to express (or not) their true identity around me. It’s scary to start to present as your true gender, and often the first efforts we make are somewhat clumsy. But, at the same time, it can be life changing to realize, “Wow, I’m comfortable as me.” I also try to give them the freedom to make mistakes here. Gender is complex, and often the best way to figure out if something fits is to try it on. Gender is no exception here, and sometimes people try on a gender that doesn’t fit. If this happens, they learned something incredible about themself, and that’s cool!
Do something unrelated to gender
Is she a gamer? Does she love riding motorcycles? Does she love hiking or camping? Does she really want to see the next big movie? Sometimes the focus required in transition is overwhelming, and it is good to focus on things we enjoy rather than transition or gender. One caution: don’t avoid the elephant in the room, or she might think your avoidance is due to a lack of acceptance. But if she’s a bit overwhelmed, it might be good to mutually enjoy an activity that doesn’t directly involve her gender at all!
Really, just be there for her!
While I listed some concrete ideas, continuing to be in her life will mean a lot to her. We need shoulders to lean on, particularly when we’re having a bad day or there is a lot of crummy stuff in the news. Most of us, when we came out, were terrified of losing the people important to us — if you are in the life of someone just starting their journey, stay in their life, let them know they matter. That means more than you might know!
